No One But A Survivor

Aug20

I was raped when I was 19 year’s old.

I became pregnant from being raped.

I had an abortion as a result of being raped.

Today of all days, I boldly admitted this.  Today, I was unapologetic and unafraid.  Today, the comments made by Republican Senate Nominee Todd Akins that “Victims of Legitimate Rape Don’t Get Pregnant” were heard around the world and because of the blatant ignorance of his remarks,  I reiterate:

NO ONE except an actual rape survivor can comprehend the horror and terror of being  raped.

I am personally offended by the way politicians are using rape, and abortion in the cases of rape, as a discussion platform for election with no regard to how their comments impact actual survivors.

Why are rape survivors treated as if this horrific act deserves no sensitivity, respect or dignity?  Why is this issue and the choices surrounding this issue thrown around with no regard to the hundreds of thousands of us who have actually been victimized and had to make these excruciatingly difficult choices?

Try living with the fact that while you slept soundly, you were overpowered and violated in a way that is only experienced in the darkest, cruelest of  nightmares.  Then after trying to push that horror of epic proportion out of your mind and your life, you come to the realization that it’s not over:  you’re pregnant from the rape.

The punishment a survivor puts themselves through is bad enough:  the shame, the guilt, the fear and self-loathing are intense and constant. It’s like chains are bolted instantly to your ankles the second the terror begins and you spend a lifetime trying to overcome this violation of not only your body – but your thought process as well.  No one gets to casually and irresponsibly comment on that – No One.

The Speakers Bureau at The Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network (RAINN) contacted me to schedule an interview with Metro New York, a newspaper that publishes in New York City, Philadelphia & Boston.  The  article made the front page of the national online site. People like Senate Nominee Todd Akins and those who support this biologically uninformed and denigrating thought process should not be allowed anywhere near the decision-making process for the rights of people of this country.

It’s this insensitivity to rape victims on a national platform that propels me to use my voice and speak out in support of survivors everywhere … and I assure you I won’t stop until this madness ceases.

In solidarity,
~ Renee

From Darkness to Light

Jun1

A lot of times we do things – unconsciously or consciously – but may never be fully aware of the impact our actions actually have on others. Here is an example of one of those times that powerfully impacted my life.

At 10:30 PM on April 27th – the night before The Clean Slate Diaries – I received a telephone call. I was busy preparing for the event and missed the call, so before I went to bed, I listened to the message. A very frail voice spoke feebly and hesitantly.  It was a woman who had read a promotional piece on the event called  “Dan’s Story” –  an adult male survivor of child sex abuse by his football coach.  She wondered if the event would be something that women could also attend if they had a similar experience? I could tell in her voice that she needed to be at this event so I called her back – it was 11:30 PM.

She answered the phone and we spoke for about a half hour.  She told me that at 10 years old she was abducted and victimized by an older man she didn’t know.  She managed to escape his grasp and ran into a nearby field and hid for what seemed like hours.  When she could no longer hear his boots circling the brush around her, she walked out into the road and was picked up by a loving couple who could see something very violent had happened. They brought her home and explained to her parents how they found her.  She also told her parents what happened, but they didn’t believe her.  They never called the police. They knew what happened, but did nothing.  So for the next 55 YEARS she kept this secret.  She didn’t tell anyone.  She didn’t tell her husband when she got married.  She didn’t tell her children why she was so protective of them while they were young.  And she didn’t seek counseling or support or healing for this vicious crime against an innocent child.  She didn’t tell anyone … until April 27th, 2012 at 11:30 PM.

She told me.  And she told me because of the courage of Dan who shared his story in the newspaper.  She told me because Sean Kirst from The Post Standard thought it was important enough to do a feature story on The Clean Slate Diaries event.  She told me because I, too, was silent for over 20 years before I started speaking out about my own rape, about the extremely high incidence and silencing effects of sexual abuse, and because I started The Clean Slate Diaries.

Five minutes into the conversation, I begged her to come to the event. I said I would come pick her up if she needed a ride. I asked her to tell the first person she saw to find me the minute she got there. I prayed that night she would come and that this event and the people there would help her find the healing she so importantly deserved.  She came and I recognized her immediately. She was less than 5 feet tall and seeing her frail frame – I instinctively wrapped my arms around her, wanting to hug her forever. She brought her daughter with her who seemed to be in shock from trying to process this information that had just been revealed to her.  They both went into our Resource/Advocacy Room, and there, were lovingly allowed to begin the release of some of the pain and emotions of the last 55 years.

Everyone who comes to The Clean Slate Diaries receives an index card that they can write something on they want to release or let go of from their past – to help formulate a new perspective for the future.  It’s a way to wipe the slate clean and begin again.  At the closing ceremony, we burn these cards in the fireplace to symbolize this release and beginning anew. This almost 70-year old, frail little woman wrote these words on her card:

“I’m Gonna Make It”

As I observed her process of tossing the card gently into the fireplace, waiting for it to catch fire and then watching deliberately as it burned to ash, the tears streamed down my face.  This woman – by almost all accounts – was going to her grave with this incredibly dark secret.  The courage of those who spoke out transformed her to a place where she actually believed she deserved healing….an opportunity to release the weight of a lifetime of guilt and shame and possibly find a way to let it go. To somehow right this wrong that had been done…..to heal her life and regain a sense of freedom and purity….even at almost 70 years old she fought for a sense of wholeness and restoration in her life!!

THIS is the reason why I created The Clean Slate Diaries. THIS illustrates the importance of our mission to bring healing light to those who wait in the darkness. Some people can’t find the words themselves to seek the healing they deserve and desperately need. But when they see others who are visible examples of overcoming this type of trauma – even if they are complete strangers – they somehow find the power to reach.  And in doing so, the healing begins.

I am so grateful I was chosen to participate in the beginning of the healing transformation process for this gentle soul – a healing that continues through the compassionate work of our local women’s shelter, Vera House.  Her courage and bravery at almost 70-years old will be forever etched into my heart and soul.

Through this process, I meet so many individuals who inspire me beyond words, along with the insight into how far-reaching speaking out about my story truly extends.

And because of her courage, my new inspirational friend and I are having lemonade and cookies at her home this weekend … and I can’t wait to see her!

In solidarity, love & peace ~

Renee

 

The 2012 Clean Slate Diaries

Mar19

On April 28th in Syracuse, New York, something sacred will take place.  Held during Sexual Assault Awareness Month, The 2012 Clean Slate Diaries will honor survivors of Sexual Abuse & Domestic Violence through the expression of Art, Music, Dance and Spoken Word Stories. Performed by musicians, dancers and artists from Syracuse, Utica and Ithaca, New York, this evening will celebrate the courageous path survivors have walked and the power of finding wholeness through A Clean Slate.

As someone who has shared her personal story publicly about being raped and experiencing intimate partner violence, I fully embrace the people who are open to this “conversation” – who support and understand the importance of speaking out.  These crimes continue to happen because of the silence and by finding the courage to speak and having community dialogue on these topics, we are definitely saving and changing lives.

The Clean Slate Diaries is produced BY survivors FOR survivors. Most benefits and fundraisers held for awareness and prevention are too expensive for survivors to even attend.  This event is completely FREE OF CHARGE and welcomes male and female survivors of all ages and stages of recovery.

As we put together this year’s collection of artists, musicians and dancers, the performers involved clearly wanted this opportunity to demonstrate their unconditional love and support of survivors – and it is felt in the power of their voice as they sing, the flow and movement of their dance steps and is heard in the lyrics of the songs they perform.

The Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network (RAINN) states 1 in 6 women and 1 in 33 men will be sexually assaulted in their lifetime. That translates into a tremendous amount of emotional and psychological pain and suffering.

The Clean Slate Diaries is an opportunity to ease this pain and provide a sense of healing light in the darkness and isolation of these crimes.  No matter where you are in this process as a survivor, someone who has shown support along the way or if you want to witness a phenomenal production of community and nationally recognized artists joining together for a phenomenal cause – please join us for this incredibly special evening! Visit our website at www.cleanslatediaries.com for more information about the event, the performers and our courageous speakers.

You have no idea how much your presence matters …

In solidarity, love & peace ~

Renee

 

The Sound of Silence

Nov20

“If you don’t understand my silence, you’ll never understand my words … “

I’ve watched two sexual abuse scandals unfold recently – the Penn State University allegations, and just this past week, allegations of sexual abuse by an Assistant Coach of the Syracuse University’s Men’s Basketball team.

Throughout the extensive media coverage, I watched the alleged victims come forward and do something incredibly difficult:   Speak.

The significance of victims finding their voice and the courage to look fear squarely in the eye and speak – is completely lost in the shuffle of media coverage and commentary from individuals voicing their opinions.

As a survivor of rape, I continue to speak out on the profound impact sexual abuse has on its’ victims, and keep the focus on how this debilitating trauma can render you completely silent and paralyzed in fear for YEARS.

For those who are not victims of sexual abuse and cannot comprehend why someone would not come forward until years after a crime like this has been committed,  the next three paragraphs are written for you.

1) 84% of victims know their assailant. This alone can render you silent for years. Psychologically it doesn’t make sense that someone you know could possibly do something so sinister and criminal.  This crime of power takes control of not only your body, but more devastatingly, your mind – and that poison permeates it for years.

2) Victims are silenced by a betrayal of trust.  When trust has been betrayed through sexual violation, it can be difficult to feel relaxed, comfortable or at peace in certain situations.  In future relationships – personal, professional or otherwise – the tendency is to hold back and be afraid. It’s harder to allow anyone in and, at times, victims can feel that it’s safer to trust no one.

3) Sexual predators and pedophiles can be masters of deception.  They can easily portray fine, upstanding individuals in the community.  They can be prominent business members with spouses and children who are seen in church every Sunday.  No one would suspect they could ever be guilty of such despicable crimes.  And this is exactly why they get away with it – their victims remain silent because no one would ever believe them.

These three reasons illustrate why victims remain silent and internalize the shame of an act that may have ended years ago. A silence that then manifests into alcohol and substance abuse, eating disorders, depression and in many instances Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

Maybe we can use these two incidents as teachable moments for society to become more educated in understanding the silencing consequences of sexual abuse – so there will be no question who the real victims are.

And if those of us victimized in the past, can use our voice to stop the victimization of those in the present and possibly the future – then our suffering will not have been in vain.

“Hello darkness, my old friend
I’ve come to talk with you again
Because a vision softly creeping
Left its seeds while I was sleeping
And the vision that was planted in my brain
Still remains
Within the Sound of Silence … “

~ Simon & Garfunkel

The Politics of Football

Nov8

I just watched a video clip of Joe Paterno, head coach of Penn State University Football, addressing a crowd that had gathered outside his house from recent allegations of sexual abuse by Jerry Sandusky, former Defensive Coordinator at Penn State University.

Paterno started by talking about football, and he ended talking about football – smiling, laughing and rallying the crowd.  Lost in his statement was a brief mumbling about the victims: “…its a tough life, when people do certain things…”  Without missing a beat, he got right back to the business of rallying the Penn State crowd about football.

Really, Joe?  Do you really know what a “tough life” it is to be molested as a young boy by an adult you trusted?

I didn’t see any remorse on his face, there was no horror expressed in knowing that a former coach could actually be capable of such disgusting crimes.  There was no apology to the victims for not doing more as a human being to prevent Sandusky from having the ability to allegedly carry out such a nightmare of trauma for so many years.

If any one of these Penn State leaders – Joe Paterno, Tim Curley or Gary Schultz – were man enough to follow through on an eyewitness report in 2002 by graduate student Mike McQuery of a 10-year old being raped in the Penn State Locker Room Shower by Jerry Sandusky - and reported it to the police, Sandusky would have been arrested and the number of victims allegedly abused by Sandusky at The Second Mile School would not have now doubled to 20.

But that’s the politics of football, isn’t it?  We couldn’t let an incident like this bring any negative light to Penn State Football?  We couldn’t have Joe Paterno’s reputation or career damaged in any way?  At all costs, the football program at Penn State was protected.  The victims were not.

Together, these three men had the power to stop this abuse.  They chose not to.  Instead of being real heroes that young boys look up to, trust and yearn to play for, they turned a blind eye to the worst form of betrayal:  Sexual Abuse.

Why didn’t these individuals do more for the victims? Because Rape and Sexual Abuse are not recognized as crimes.  No one wants to talk about these subjects – they are still considered taboo.  We can’t stomach the details or the incidence of this happening, so it’s dismissed as if it doesn’t exist.  Secrets are kept locked inside, victims carry shame and blame and perpetrators like Jerry Sandusky continue the controlling abuse – for YEARS.

As a result, victims of Sexual Assault are:

3 times more likely to suffer from Depression

6 times more likely to suffer from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder

13 times more likely to abuse Alcohol

26 times more likely to abuse Drugs

4 times more likely to contemplate Suicide

This is why I speak out about the incredibly high incidence of Rape and Sexual Abuse. It’s why so many survivors collectively speak out to raise awareness of the prevalence of these crimes — so together we can try to prevent it from continuing. There are actually over 3 million reports of child abuse made every year in the United States.

This ISN’T about football. It’s not about Penn State going to the Rose Bowl. It’s not about whether Joe Paterno’s record will be forever tarnished. It’s about the victims.  It’s about how a dark shadow of fear, betrayal and mistrust will accompany the thought process of each of Sandusky’s alleged victims for the better part of their lives.  It’s about the lack of credibility given to victims when they actually find the courage to come forward and speak their truth. And it’s about the extent of sinister pedophiles out there right now terrorizing innocent children who are depending on us to take action.

Please don’t let them down.

In solidarity,

Renee